Prostitutka

Objavil/a Dajana Babič, dne 2017-08-27 ob 17:57:16

Že zdavnaj je v penziji, mož ji je umrl pred... let sploh ne šteje več, to gre tako hitro dandanašnji... Ona pa se še vedno obnaša tako, kot se je pred štiridesetimi ali petdesetimi... ali koliko je že stara... 

Čaka, da bo umrla... stalno ima prižgano televizijo, tudi ponoči si jo prižge, ker jo je strah duhov in njene duše ali koga že... Ima ene par prijateljic, s katerimi se dobiva na kavi, ima veliko sorodnikov, predvsem pa ima vnuke, ki ji rihta. To so bili njena uteha, ko ji je umrl mož in ni več znala živeti naprej. Skupaj z njim ni hotela, niti mogla skočiti v grob. Saj ga ni niti zelo marala za časa življenja. Zelo sta se kregala in si nagajala... Če je bila to ljubezen... kje pa... ampak tako pač je, tako so jo učili njeni starši, ali kdo že... V cerkev je hodila, ker so pač vsi hodili v cerkev. A njen mož je bil komunist, in ker je bilo to takrat moderno... in ker je izgledalo, da bo Tito živel za vedno, je šla tudi ona v partijo. Vedno je naredila, kar je rekel mož ali kar je rekel oće ali kar je rekel šef. Seveda skoraj nikoli ni bilo po njeni volji. Skoraj vedno se je morala ukloniti. Bila je tiho, požirala je žalitve in tlačila bes v sebe. Bes je potem sprostila na svojih otrocih. Nezavedno seveda. Avtomatično.

Do drugih ljudi je bila vedno uslužna, vedno pripravljena pomagati in vedno bi naredila za druge vse, tudi, če ji sploh nihče ni rekel, da mora. Ko je bila na morju v kampu je ljudem, ki jih je poznala od lani skuhala kavo in jo prinesla tja kot dobrodošlico na pladnju, oni pa niso niti pomili posode, ko so ji jo vrnili.

Druge ljudi je dajala pred svoje otroke. V bistvu je fantom njenih hčera govorila, da so njene hčerke slabe. Ogovarjala je svoje prijateljice in je morala pazit, kaj govori eni in drugi, ker se je velikokrat zlagala. Ali se je zlagala po telefonu, da je nekje drugje, pa se je slišalo, da ni tam, kjer je rekla da je. Zakaj se je lagala? Ne zna reči "ne". Nekoč je hodil k njim na obisk nek človek, ki ga nihče ni maral, sedel je tam pri njih uro, dve... nihče ni vedel, kaj naj bi se z njim pogovarjal in za naslednjič je naročila njenim otrokom, naj rečejo, da je ni doma ali naj se naredijo, da jih ni, če pride.

Kako težko je reči nekomu... ne, ne bom šel tja. Ali... ne da se mi, bom raje gledala TV. Ali karkoli pač, saj ti ni treba razlagati, zakaj reči "ne".

Zdaj, ko pomisli na življenje, je utrujena. Ogorčena je. Življenje ji je prekmalu minilo, pa sploh še živela ni. Mož ji je prekmalu umrl, pa sploh ni imela nič od njega... Saj bo imela grob zraven njega... ampak... a je to življenje? A je življenje to, da si skupaj z nekom, ki te stalno komandira, potem pa kar naenkrat umre in edino vreselje je, da bosta skupaj v grobu pokopana... A je to ta ljubezen, na katero čaka že stalno? Starši so ji umrli, mož ji je umrl, otroci so grobi do nje, ne samo otroci, tudi vnuki in kmalu bodo pravnuki. In pravnuki bodo imeli otroke... To gre tako hitro dandanašnji... Vsak ima svoje življenje in nihče ne kaže, da bi se je zelo veselil, ko pride na obisk. 

V bistvu sploh ne ve, kaj naj počne... Živa je, a v bistvu ni. Umira se ji še ne, no... grob je ne kliče... Televizije tudi ne more gledat 24 ur na dan... Moški - resnični moški so ali grobi, ali primitivni, ali ostareli, ali "neuporabni"... z eno nogo v grobu. Imela je eno razmerje... a temu sploh ni mogla reči tako, ostalo je samo pri sms-ih... Klicala je vedeževalko, pa ji je rekla, da se ona boji razmerja in da se on tudi... Torej...

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Dajana  Babič
Dajana Babič
Objavil/a 2017-08-27 17:57:16 (Aug 27, 2017)
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