(1997)

To make a long story short: Dietrich and I are married... Our baby is already two years old... We lived in Vienna... 

He doesn't talk... He comes home in the afternoon, didn't greet, didn't say anything! He is going on the toilet, is one hour in the toilet. Is going under the shower - is there one hour! Also, when we met with his mother and father - everyone noticed that he is one hour on a toilet! He talks to his daughter, but me - I am like non-existant. He stopped to have sex with me, since he saw, how easy was for me to get pregnant and since he saw how much I want more children. I am alone in this city with my baby. I don't have any friends and anyone to talk to plus I am in scientology where everything is under control. He punched me once before baby and told me horrible words. Baby started to cry, she was confused...

We actually went on Marriage conselling. It was better for two days, than he started again to ignore me.

So, I decided to kill myself. I didn't want to live anymore. I read somewhere in L.Ron Hubbard's books that there was a party and there was a man, sitting on a sofa, who just died in the middle of the party. He decided that he doesn't want to live anymore and... he died - right there - on the sofa. Ron was present and ask him to come back, but he didn't want to. One evening when Dietrich came home and didn't say anything and our baby was asleep and he went to play tetris on his computer I just decided - "That's it, I am going to die! I have enough! That's it". I went to sit on a toilet, which was the only "room" in this little flat. So, I sat there and ask God to take me to him. I sat there and I sat there, I was crying and begging Him to take me with him. I said: "I want to die. There is nobody to help me. I can't go on with this life any more!" Nothing happened. I was still alive. Then at same point I took the rope to hang myself from the hook. The rope was too weak and broke it. I didn't want to cut my veins or something, I just want to "go" like this person went - without any blood! But I realised that God doesn't allow me to go. So, I called this person who did Marriage Conselling with us and told her what happened. Dietrich got an order that he has to leave our flat. Next day he went to his mother's place.

After some days, he told me, that he want a divorce. I didn't want it - I actually postpone a date, so he had to pay a fine, because we didn't come on a court for a first time. I did all I coud to seduce him, to stay with me, to be old Dietrich again. From today's point I understand myself - I want to be with him on any price - to have more kids and everything... I was so desperated - like... there was no other man in this world - just him.

We went together on a seaside for a week (because of the baby of course) and in the morning, he didn't come on the breakfast, he didn't go together with us on the beach - he behaved so estranged that everyone in the vicinity understood that something is wrong with him. And I didn't want to divorce him! I humiliated myself in front of him and did not want to accept that he treated me as if I was taken for granted. And then we finally divorced, and I could not get a regular job, because we were not five years married, just four and some months or something. He never payed me any money. He never took care for me. 

After divorce, it was the same as before... just we were not married on paper. He actually was excluded also from his familly. He didn't talk to anyone except to our daughter. I married again in 2001, just before my second child was born. I saw Dietrich few times. He was always the same. He played a big ignorant.

Then he commited suicide. In 2015.

After that he came through a person who canalises messages from deceased people and ask me to forgive him. I forgave him long ago. I know what he was doing - he was playing the role of his father, who was always cold and unavailable to his family. It could be better for me and Dietrich, but it was, what it was. We have a nice child together. Life is always going on. You can't prevent that. And we can learn from our experiences.