It was the first of May and again she was not home at the normal hour. Whenever she tells me she's going "on a drink" I know she'll be home around half past one in the morning. But if she says that she is going "out", it means that she will go to the disco and that she will send a text that she will sleep somewhere or that she will come home drunk.

And indeed... at three in the morning I finally call her, the phone rings empty. In the meantime, I asked Archangel Michael a thousand times to protect her and to "bring" her home safely. And I hear the key click at half past four, she goes straight into the room and burps before falling into bed. Of course, I made her bed nicely. I've given up hope that she will ever do that, but since the door to the hallway her room is open, I can't watch anymore and make her bed. I would rather not say what it's like in her room. Scattered everywhere, on the floor, on the table, so much dust that... I'm sorry for the words... When she's nineteen and a half, I won't be cleaning anymore...

Mainly... in the morning, before I got up, I heard her going to the toilet... and I hear those typical sounds before someone vomits. I think... oh - oh... here we are! I call one thousand times Archangel Raphael (healer) to come into her body and heal her. I went to the other side of the apartment... and when I was at the garden, I heared those sounds again... So, it's still not over...

Then I finally take pity on her and ask her how she is... She says: "Terrible"... I asked her what she drank... she says she won't talk about it because it will make her even sicker... that everything hurts, that everything burns... I told her that I discovered russian numbers for healing, that I'm going to look for numbers for the stomach...I come back, bring paper and write big numbers for her. And she vomits a bit into a vomit container. This container is her garbage container, she put the bag out and vomits inside... There is nothing left to vomit, only a yellow stain... She asks what it is... I tell her... bile... But the body defends itself, you took so much alcohol, your body refuses to accept it and wants you to spit it out. You see what a smart body you have! The best thing to do would be to throw it all out before you went to bed. It would be even better if you didn't drink anything at all...

Even though the situation is serious and I can feel her pain, it makes me laugh when I see the long black lines on her face, which are traces of mascara.

Me: "What did you drink?"

She: "Beer..."

Me: "Did someone put something inside you?"

She: "No, mom nooooooo. Stop, because everything hurts."

I sit next to her and caress her. She has cramps. Every now and then she shakes and then it stops... I think it's similar to my labor contractions! I look how beautiful she is. I'm thinking about what we've all been through together, how much hatred there was between us because other people came in and made us fight. I think about how soon she will be gone from me and how I will be missing her... I think about what a star she has become and how her peers adore her, but to me she is still my little girl who comes to me when she needs me.

After the next vomiting, she lies back again. I cover her neck and ask how she is. She says: "Better, stay here alone with me, mother, please."

I stayed with her and caress her. Obviously, being in that state is the only time we get close. Otherwise, she says rude things to me or I don't fall for her... Well, when things are going well for us... we quickly become indifferent to each other. It's only when things are bad that we think about those we love and are hurt...

After half an hour of convulsions and vomiting, she lies back and falls asleep... I tiptoe out of the room... I tell the little ones not to scream like that, be quiet... every now and then I check to see if he's okay and I'm relieved to see that she sleeps peacefully.

At half past two she starts calling her sister... Yes... what time is it... half past two... Yes... where is her phone... here (of course the phone is the most important thing of all...). I tell her to rest... that she and her sister have enough time to prepare for the with the choir.. They meet at Tivoli at half past eight in the evening, they drive in Beligium for four days, their coir has competition. So... she has time... let her rest. .. Is it better? Yes, my head still hurts a little.

Two hours later, I literally rip my younger daughter's book out of her hands and command her to start preparing her bag for a trip. She will get the book when the bag is ready. Her sister gets out of bed and goes to take a shower. The younger sister sees her and says: "Hey, you're like that sad clown, with those lines on your face".

Little one brings me her singing uniforms to iron. I tell her to ask her sister what to cook... When I finished cooking, I gather them all together and tell them that I spent the whole day cleaning, hanging laundry, cooking for them... if they can eat and clean up after themselves. That I would like to have peace now. In ten minutes I hear singing from the living room... they sing very well... Then they prepare their things... Miki will accompany them to the station. Miki doesn't even know how to behave when his little sister goes away from him... Little one gives me a kiss... Big one gives me a kiss (this happens very rarely). I tell them to send sms's. Have a good trip to Belgium.

She sent two text messages...the first I got in three hours, that they were driving away now and that she couldn't call Miki back... The second I got yesterday, that everything was fine and that we should keep our fingers crossed for tomorrow, when the competition will take place.

Earlier, I went to the toilet and saw the container in the corner into which she vomited. And I knew what the title of this post would be...