DAJANA BABIČ: PAIN
(napisala sem iz posebnega razloga v angleščini, naj mi bo oproščeno)
My realisation in last days was that I never really was in love relationship, I never really loved and I was not loved. I mean - of course there were moments of love... but my first real relationship was because I rather was at his place than in place with my parents... The second one was like that too, plus I was fascinated with photos he made of me, with places we went, with parties we were at... I mean... this guy really liked me, but he was so possesive, he didn't let me have my own life... and I needed freedom, freedom, more than everything else - cause I needed to fulfill my call - which after that wasn't what I thought... but...
... and my last three relationships were not love relationship, but agreed relationships to have children...
I was all the time in such a confusion. I didn't understand what is going on. I had always outgrown my partner, we were rarelly at the same frequency... so I came to the conclusion that I can't be with anyone... I am too complicated, too wierd, too this and too that... but I wasn't... I just didn't fit with them. I am a good friend with father of my children, the first one is dead, but after fifteen years of my single life I was asking myself, how could I possible was with him, since we have nothing in common (it was an agreed relationship to have kids).
And I noticed that lots of people around me are in bad relationships... They are together because they are fascinated with the looks of the other, or their money or their status or they are buisy to have kids, before it's too late (as I was)...
This guy and this gal... at the beginning was all sweet and light ... but then it start to be complicated... she got pregnant... schock for both (actually not, she planned it)... and then a little being came to this world... they start to quarrel...They are playing the roles of their father or their mother - being agressive, holding grudges... they stop talking normallly, they shout or they don't talk at all... kid is confused - parents are sacred for the child... can not turn to the mother or to the father... the child loves both of them, please don't talk bad things about the other parent before the child!... parents have wounds from before, everything comes out... all unresolved energies are coming to the surface... from previous relationships and from behaviour of their parents...
So, they don't solve their problems, but make them even more complicated! It's going worse and worse. They stop talking, they hold big grudges against each other, stop touching each other and stop having sex with each other (it happened to me two times).
They never call for help, they just each stand on their own side of the river, the river roars between them. They cannot hear each other. They don't want to hear each other! It's only a matter of time before everything explodes into disaster...
And sure enough, another man comes along. Woman falls in love with this new man - but actually is asking to save her (it happened to me). This new man hits the first man... This is the end of the first love story. We just have to arrange things around the child, which of course will be arranged, because everything always gets arranged. And things with court etc.
But... woman is pregnant again and the story repeats, just that there is no battle in the end...
And when second love story is over - there she is again in the new relationship, just that she probably can't get pregnant again (unless she gets healed with MedBed and is rejuvenated and is thirty years old again).
These are our relationships. Isn't that sad? I have enough of this. I was healing myself fifteen years from my last one which was the most hideous of all - since I didn't know that this man was sexually abusing my daughter when we lived together... So, I needed healing.
We just have to go through it, we must bite through the pain, through all these horrors and forgive...
But we still have heart, we still have so much love and yes, relationships can be very painful, love can be scary. We can have this big fear of intimacy, I try a long time to avoid love.
On the other hand - love is our true nature and ther is no other joy like it. And I think it's worth trying.