I am like Scheherazade, who is telling the stories - and yes, I have so many... 

So, yesterday I was through tears... because I built such a wall around me... since I am connected actually with a whole word, I am talking with so many people... but I am not going anywhere, I stopped myself from anything... and the funny thing is, that since my children are all grown up... I am just observing what they became... my first girl is a singer, what I was already before she even came to the world... my second is a writer, singer, composer and going in the school that I wanted to go, but school didn't accept me... and my son is just an independent soul, don't want to be in any drawer... I had this dream which lots of girls have - to marry somebody, to have kids with him, nice house, singing together, playing together, having fun together.. I always wanted to have more kids, lots of kids... I was very overwhelmed with them when they were little, lots of time I lost my nerves... but then they grow up so fast... before you know it, they get their own partners and... they go away... But we are connected and we are actually playing as a team, I am one of them... they are getting older, I am getting younger. 

So... I was always playing this game... I found somebody on internet, preferably very far away, best on the other continent, so that he can't come tomorrow and see me... I was actually a vampir or something, I apologize to all this men who talked to me on private chat.. there was Gordon, Fred... beautiful souls... and there was some others, but I stopped this in 2012... What was my story... we were talking every day on chat... becoming dependable on each other, typing, typing... telling us about our lives, stories, wishes... but then all this men wanted to come and see me... so I stopped everything... actually I was preparing myself to go with one on vacation in Greece... but then he didn't took me with him... whatever... I didn't go anywhere, for years... my kids where not in summer here... I was alone... but since I was in extreme poverty, I didn't even have money for food... I was just at home and dreaming about all these destinations where people were going and getting triggered with all these pictures that they were posting on internet... And I was doing this for years and years.. I mean, of course I could go with someone on the seaside, actually once I went on seminar which was in the town near the sea... more times I was on seminars near the sea... but this is not the same... When I was young, I went to the seaside and I just stayed there, the most horrible thing was, that I had to come back - why going anywhere if you have to come back...

I was thinking, now when my kids are grown, I will just buy a house on the seaside, it has to be near the sea that I can see it from the window... and I can go swimming everyday... and walking around the beach... oh... and I will buy a sailing boat and I will sail, I always wanted that. I was dreaming about that in long years in this big, horrible town of Vienna... I was imagining mediteranian plants in my big garden... the smell of lavender, rosemary... omg... I just felt into trance... And see, I am away from Vienna since 2005 and still I have the same story... just I don't have this excuse anymore that I can't go anywhere because of my kids ... But I don't want to go on vacation and come back, I want to go there to live there forever. And I was sad because I really like you, but I have a big fear to see you in person... so big, that I can't explain... There is a movie, which I can't find... There was a painter, a woman in Poland during second world war and an american soldier... They had a love affair. When the war finished the borders were closed, Poland went under Russia - Soviet Union and no one could go out of the country. This soldier was preparing a plan, how to escape for Hanna (I don't remember her name in the movie, since I saw film just once long ago... just know that the painter was acting by Hanna Schygulla)... So, he was preparing a plan that she will escape the border so that she will go on train, he was giving all the instructions which were given to her, when she has to come, what she has to do... She went on the railway station... and she didn't go on that train!!! After that he went back to US, get married, was 30 years married, his wife died... and started to look for Hanna, he found her in a monastery, was sending a letter there that he is coming... she got a letter... he came into monastery... and nun told him that she died from heart attack! I was thinking about this story and what I am doing out of my life...

That's why I was sad.