I am lying on the gynecological chair with my legs spread apart. I'm very nervous, I'm all out of sorts. My child..., what should I do..., I ponder... I can still escape from this horrible room, away from these people who don't show an any understanding for my condition, better, they don't care at all, they are here just to do their routinely job.

A gynecologist in his forties, shows his hairy arms behind a short-sleeved white uniform. He hasn't looked at me at all. He talks to his nurse quite normally. Something about loans and a new car. In fact, he talks about his problems as passionately as if I wasn't even there with my spread legs and as if he was just drinking coffee in the hospital bar. It's like there's a doll on that table, one animal that they have to open up, cut open, put the baby out and sew back up again. I hate him. In fact, I hate both of them, but especially myself.

- What should I do, what should I do, buzzes through my head with wild haste.
- I won't kill him again!!!!

"Aren't you afraid? Nothing will hurt. How beautiful your hair is, is it natural?", the nurse finally showed some attention.
I smile at her.
- Crazy woman, I think, can't she see what a horrible state I'm in?! What is she saying! About my hair! What about a little child waiting to die?

"Now I'm going to pour water on you, don't be afraid, nothing will hurt."

- So it's getting close... Come on, do something! Tell them you've changed your mind! Are you sure?! But you don't want to have a child with Matevž! And where will you live? At his parents? Horror, even worse than at home! And you haven't even finished your university yet. But, my little child! But it's only mine! But he wants to live! How nice it is to have a child, to take care of him! I can't just kill him! I have no right to kill him!

"I will put this cloth on your nose. When you count to three, you will fall asleep." No, no, no! Oh, horror, no! I don't want to! My baby, my little…

***

Someone is punching me in the face. I'm sleeping, it's so nice to sleep. I don't want to wake up, I would sleep, sleep. I want nothing but sleep. Please, let me sleep!!!

"Wake up, it's all over", I open my eyes and see glasses and hairy hands.

- Oh no, it's not possible! My little one is gone! I want to sleep, disappear, forget. Please let me sleep! I don't want to be awake, I don't want to know that he's gone!

The server is driving me from the operating room to the ward. There are many male patients sitting in the corridor. They look at me with interest. They think, God knows what's up with her? So young! I am ashamed, I feel very humiliated when I am so helpless as if I am an object on display.

The sevant opens the door to the room, there are already five women there.

He interrupts them in a loud conversation. They stop talking for a moment. They look at me a bit, maybe they are disappointed because I am young and do not belong in their company. They are all in late middle age. They don't say anything, they don't ask me anything. The server immediately leaves. The women continue the conversation about their illnesses. Leading is one who has already gone through a whole series of operations and explains in detail how they went. The women sigh loudly and is turning around. The beds creak loudly under their weight. After exhausting the popular topic of illness, they start talking about the next meal – “God knows what's for dinner? What was yesterday? Lunch was not very good. I'm so hungry.” Then they wonder what the weather will be like. When they exhaust that, they talk about their illnesses again. This is their favorite, inexhaustible topic.

I ignore them, their conversation makes me sick. I really regret that I didn't bring earplugs from home so that I wouldn't hear them at all. Then I remember that I have the book "The Picture of Dorian Gray" in my bag. I will try to read and forget. I read one sentence. It doesn't work. What he is talking about is a thousand years away from my situation.

 - What did I do! By the time I'm thirty-five, the child would be ten! God knows if it was a boy or a girl? What would the baby looks like?

Someone knocks. I'm sure she's a nurse or a servent. It's Matevž... I am very surprised.

"So fast?" All of a sudden my torment will be over, just to get away from here.

“I was worried about you.”

"Oh, so happy that you came! Please help me get out of here! Go get nurse! I feel terrible, terrible!”

The nurse comes and says that I can only leave at my own risk, according to the rules, I should have stayed two more days. Two days more? I would go crazy! She said: "Sign here!" I am relieved, I am free now. “Here is your dress.”

I have a very hard time to get dressed. I want to leave as soon as possible, but the movements of my arms and legs do not obey me. I'm shaking so bad that Matevž has to help me.

I tell him: "I feel so terrible, I almost changed my mind..."

"You know I couldn't keep him, we don't have conditions..."

 "Please don't talk about it, it's easy for you. They cut it out of me, God knows where they threw it – in the toilet?”

"You're talking nonsense."

"Matevž, please call a taxi and don't ask me anymore, I can't talk anymore!"

We are waiting outside the entrance for a taxy, it is a gray January day outside. There is slush on the floor, it is damp. In fact, on days like that, you can't tell what time it is.

 - I killed him! I feel like half of my body has disappeared somewhere. I feel a terrible sadness, a terrible loss. And trembling doesn't stop.

We come home. They're all there.

 Mom says: "How do you look like... you didn't... have an abortion?"

 - How is it possible that this woman always knows when I want to lie to her?!

 But she is a woman, she knows intuitively, she is also a mother.

 "You're crazy, what if Matevž leaves you? What will you do then?"

- The least I want now is to listen to her sermons. I can't stand anyone!

 The sister is much nicer, she shows sympathy: "Why didn't you tell me? I would take you there…”

 - It doesn't matter, it's too late anyway. I can't even imagine that I would keep the child. Where would it live? I can't stand it here by myself. It's a wonder I didn't end up in an insane asylum!

 "Please, Matevž, don't let anyone come into my room, please leave me alone", I tell him.

 "Yes, you want me to bring you a cat, maybe it will be easier for you!" There has never been a time when I didn't want to pet my cat.

 "No, I can't stand anyone at all. I want to be alone. Alone. Alone!!!! Please, you leave too. Thank you.”