Dan 157: Čakanje, da se stvari zgodijo

Objavil/a Valentin Rozman, dne 2014-01-23 ob 21:47:42

Pred nekaj dnevi sem izgubil navdušenje nad dnevno rutino zamozavez. Poglabljati se mi je začela skrb glede odvijanja dogodkov v prihodnosti. Na osnovi informacij, ki sem jih dobil, sem pričakoval določena finančna sredstva, vendar se formalni postopek za njihovo odobritev še vedno vleče. Prav tako bi v teh dnevih moral dobiti povratne informacije v zvezi razvojem nekega projekta, ki ga pripravljam, pa prav tako še nisem dobil nobenega pisma. Med tem pa sem tudi pričel opravljati dodatno delo, ki mi sicer omogoča boljše pogoje za zagotovitev kratkoročne življenjske varnosti, vendar nima nobene veze s smerjo izboljševanja stanja v družbi, v katero se želim premikati. Vse to me precej utruja in dela nejevoljnega. Začela se mi je nabirati nepredelana papirnata dokumentacija, nerazvrščena elektronska pošta ter neurejane delovne računalniške datoteke.

Pred spanjem berem knjige za povečanje uspeha v poslu in prodaji, da bi čim bolj izkoristil svoj čas za pripravo na prihodnje tržne aktivnosti. Zanimivo je brati življenjske zgodbe avtorjev, ki opisujejo obdobja svoje hude eksistenčne stiske in negotovosti. Zdi se, kot da je globoka depresija nujno potrebna izkušnja, ki človeka povzdigne do velikega uspeha. Sprašujem se tudi, kaj pravzaprav hočem od življenja, v kakšnem smislu naj izkoristim številne potenciale. Rad delam v miru, brez motečih zvokov ali drugih ljudi. Po drugi strani pa mi kdaj tudi zapaše družba. Pred nedavnim sem dopolnil 40 let in razmišljam tudi o tem, ali bi kdaj imel svoje otroke, predvsem pa, kdaj bo čas za to in če bom srečal primerno partnerko. Vse bolj, ko se poglabljam v raziskovanje vidnega in nevidnega sveta, bolj se zavedam njegove kompleksnosti, pa tudi odgovornosti starševstva. Imeti otroke je velika obveza in zahteve precej časa in sredstev. Razmišljam tudi o nadaljevanju študija, morda na pedagoški ali ekonomsko-poslovni fakulteti. Morda bi se celo potrudil in prilezel do doktorata.

Vsako jutro se prične novo življenjsko poglavje, je kot rojstvo v novo življenje. Razmišljam o tem, koliko dni življenja mi še ostane. Bom živel 80 let, 120 let, ali celo bistveno manj. Sem na polovici, tretjini ali na koncu svojega življenja? Saj ne, da bi se bal smrti, ampak škoda se mi zdi vseh življenjskih izkušenj, saj komaj dodobra spoznavam, kako ta svet deluje, pa ga bom že moral zapustiti. Res se mi zdi zelo neekonomično, da se je potrebno toliko let učiti, preden nekaj dojameš, potem te pa že pokliče teta Matilda. Po drugi strani pa bi bil lahko celo hvaležen, da sem do sedaj preživel. Pomislim lahko na mnoge moje vrstnike in sošolce, ki so jih doletele nesreče, bolezni in samomori. Naposled pa si lahko rečem, da je smrt zgolj iluzija, da je življenje večno in da bom zgolj zapustil to telo iz mesa in kosti, ter nadaljeval obstoj v drugačni obliki. Pa vendar tega z gotovostjo ne bom vedel, dokler se to ne zgodi. Zadeva je postala še toliko bolj dvomljiva, ker študiram iz vira informacij, ki na zelo drugačen in podroben način razlaga delovanje celotnega stvarstva.

Želim si mirnega, sproščenega življenja, v sožitju in stiku z naravo in drugimi živimi bitji. Domišljam si, kako bi bilo imeti kakšno manjšo kmetijo, si pridelovati lastno hrano, biti ves dan telesno aktiven in na svežem zraku. Po drugi strani pa me takšno življenje ne bi notranje dovolj zadovoljevalo, saj si želim večjih izzivov. Lahko bi svoje življenje izrabil za aktivnosti, ki bi prinesle politične spremembe družbenega sistema, tako da bi vsi ljudje lahko živeli tukaj v večji harmoniji s seboj in drugimi. Vendar takšne aktivnosti terjajo veliko večje načrtovanje, sodelovanje s številnimi ljudmi, vodenje projektnih skupin in postavljanje časovnih prioritet. Skrbi me, da bi me velikost načrtov preveč obremenila, da si bom nakopal kup obveznosti in odgovornosti, zaradi katerih si ne bom zmogel privoščiti prostega časa in počitka. Skrbi me tudi to, da bom naletel na močne odzive, burna nasprotovanja in da me bo celo kdo želel pospraviti iz tega sveta, če se bom preveč vtikal v obstoječ globalni sistem. S smrtjo so mi že enkrat grozili, pa je šlo za zadeve iz povsem osebnega partnerskega odnosa.

Potlej pa si rečem, da je smrt itak neizbežna. Če je že potrebno umreti, bom vsaj zapustil ta svet s kakšno plemenito zapuščino, od katere bodo imeli korist bodoči rodovi. Morda se bom celo ponovno inkarniral v ta svet in bom osebno deležen plodov dela iz mojega prejšnjega/sedanjega življenja. Po filozofiji, da je vse del enosti in da ni razlike med tistim, kar zaznavamo znotraj sebe in zunaj sebe, pa tako in tako počnem vedno vse samo za sebe. Včasih zapadem v pozabo teh dejstev, v iluzijo ločenosti, ki jo ustvari moj um. Zato vsekakor pomaga takšno pisanje, da se zopet spomnim realnosti, da si okrepim zavedanje o tem, kaj sem in kako delujem. Pisanje dnevnika deluje tako osvobajajoče, da bi moral postati državljanska dolžnost. Če bi vsak na ta način ozaveščal in preobražal svoje miselne in vedenjske vzorce, bi bil svet res veliko lepši. Jutri se bom zbudil z navdušenjem in svoje življenje zopet spravil v red.

V povezavi z napisanim priporočam poslušanje naslednjega audio intervjuja:
Life Review - Waiting for my Life to Happen

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Valentin Rozman
Valentin Rozman
Objavil/a 2014-01-23 21:47:42 (Jan 23, 2014)
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