Kaj vse lahko preprečuje stik samega s sabo

Objavil/a alenka keber, dne 2015-12-31 ob 19:36:40

Stik s svojo dušo je zavestno dejanje, ki ga moraš ponevljati in ponavljati, da se navadiš živeti sam s sabo, z resničnim sabo. Ne z masko. Ne z zabavljačem, ki mora zabavati prijatelje, ker se boji, da ga bodo sicer pozabili. Pravi prijatelji ne pozabijo. Pravi prijatelji razumejo. Če niso pravi prijatelji, kaj potem so? Kakšna je njihova vloga v našem življenju? Motilci na poti do stika samaga s sabo?

Z ustrežljivcem, ki mora ustrezati najbližnjim, ko si oni zamislijo, da ga potrebujejo. Mogoče jim je le dolgčas. Mogoče potrebujejo tvojo energijo, ker so sami izčrpani. Če bi te imeli res radi, bi ti dali proste roke in čas zase. Ne bi te priklenili nase pod pretvezo, da te potrebujejo. Velikokrat se to zgodi s starši, ki ne morejo spustiti svojih otrok in si izmišljujejo najrazličnejše ovire in težave, da drživo svoje otroke pod kontrolo. Zavedno ali nezavedno si ustvarjajo situacije, ko te potrebujejo. In če jim nasedeš, niti ne zaznaš kdaj te mama energetsko vzame za svojega moža ali oče za zvojo ženo. Začneš opravljati stvari, ki naj bi jih opraljal tvoj oče ali tvoja mama. In koliko energije ostane tebi? Ali imaš lahko parnerja? Ne moreš, ker si te je energetsko prilastil eden od staršev. Ta, ki ga ljubiš, ali ljubi tebe, te ne čuti zares, ker te energetsko ni. Pa ne gre za ljubosumje. Gre za čutenje. Potem je tukaj še služba. Bodi tak, obnašaj se tako, oblači se tako, govori tako, delaj tako, zasluži toliko. Ker sicer te bomo zamenjali, odpisali. In pa ne delaj tako, da me ne bi slučajno ogrožal, ne govori  tako, da ne bi bil boljši od mene. In tako traja najmanj osem ur vsak dan. Koliko časa potrebuješ, da prideš v svojo energijo, ko si doma? Ali greš sploh domov, ali misliš da rabiš relaksacijo, da pozabiš na službene stvari?

In če se vse skupaj sestavi. Zjutraj greš v službo. Vsak dan. Delaš osem ur. Ne izklopiš se še iz službe, ko te pokliče starš, da te nujno potrebuje in je potrebno najmaj 3 ure preživeti kot nujen pomočnik. Takoj je preklopiš v potrebnega drugemu. Kje si pa ti? Si si skuhala? Bila v trgovini? Pomila posodo? Oprala perilo? Posesala? Pomila kopalnico? Imaš morda gospodinjsko pomočnico, če drugemu igraš to isto? In zvečer te pokliče prijatelj, ki potrebuje prevoz. In se nadaljuje ustrežljivost brez razmisleka, kaj pa jaz. In je že noč. Braz zavedanja doma nadaljuješ z odmika od sebe v buljenju televizije. Danes nisi bila nič sama s sabo. Si pa naredila normo v službi in bila koristna najmanj dvema osebama, ki te imata radi? Drug dan greš v službo. Sploh ne budna in sploh ne prisebna. Masko gor in gremo. Normo je potrebno narediti.Mine služba, prideš domov, nekaj skuhaš, si zaželiš  mirnega popoldneva in večera, pa pokliče prijatelj. Zvečer je žur, se dobimo, pivo, klepet? Ja, seveda, že dolgo se nismo videli, potrebuje me, s prijatelji je treba vzdrževati stike, da me ne pozabijo, da ne ostanem sama. A res? Pravi prijatelji te ne bodo pozabili in izgubili stika, tudi če se ne vidite dve leti. Pa gre popoldan, večer. Utrujena padeš vposteljo. In pride tretji dan, družinske obveznosti in spomini, nepredelani občutki. In je že četrtek. Super, danes bi si pa res  lahko vzela čas zase. Pa bi res lahko? Starši me potrebujejo, nujno, le za kratek čas. Drugi prijatelj me pokliče, rad bi me videl, ima težave, dajmo ga razvedriti. Hm, kaj pa jaz? Danes si res želim vzeti čas zase, morda za naju.   jo, no, gremo. Folk me rabi. Je treba vrniti to, kar so mi dali. In pride večer. Nekaj časa zase. Ampak sem že utrujena, pa nekaj sem tudi že popila. Mine tudi ta večer na kavču pred televizorjem. ooo, je že petek. Danes žurka zvečer. Jutri žurka popoldan. V nedeljo bi se prilegel mir.

Ampak ali si ga res želim? Ali znam biti sama s sabo? Ali si želim bližine nekoga? Ali zmorem še to? Že tako je vsega preveč. Pa nisem sama s sabo, kako naj bom potem z nekom. Vsaj ta čas bi porabila za to, da sem sama s sabo , s knjigo, v miru. In ja, res je najbolje tako, da se ne navežem na ljubljeno osebo, ker ne potrebujem nekoga, ki bi me res ljubil in sprejemal tako kot sem, ko pa imam toliko prijateljev, ki jim želim ustreči in se družiti z njimi. Pa starše, ki me potrebujejo. Pa otroke, ki so mi na prvem mestu. In kje sem jaz? Ni me. Edino ta ljubljena oseba, ki me spomni name, ki mi prinese nekaj miru v dušo, to edino osebo bi najraje skenslala, da se ne bi preveč spomnila nase. Da se mi ne bi bilo treba ukvarjati sama s sabo. Ker, ko sem s to osebo, sem res lahko jaz. Jaz taka kot sem. Razigrana, vesela, nagajiva, žalostna... Ne potrebujem maske. Ampak, ker se tega bojim, prej malo spijem, da me ni strah. Kljub temu se občutkom in čustvom, ki jih v meni prebuja ta oseba ne morem skriti. Ta pridejo na plano, če hočem ali ne. In takrat sem zmedena. Rada bi pobegnila in nočem pobegniti. Je lepo in ne zdi se mi realno, da bi lahko trajalo. Ne mislim, da si to zaslužim. Ne mislim, da je to sploh možno in mogoče, da se dogaja meni. ZAto si moram zamegliti um, da možgani ne delujejo, da se izklopijo, da lahko padejo maske. Da sem jez lahko jaz. Ampak sem tako utrujena. In tako tudi z ljubljeno osebo ne morem biti. Sem v začaranem krogu iz katerega ne grem. Ker. Če bi šla, bi izgubila teh nekaj prijateljev,  ki so mi ostali. Pa bi jih res? Mama bi mi zamerila, ker nimam časa zanjo vedno, ko se ji dvigne? Pa bi mi res? Mogoče na začetku, potem pa bi videla, da sem umirjena in da sem postavila meje njej. In če sem jih njej, jih lahko komurkoli. Kajti ona me je rodila, vse mi je dala. Če se pred njo postavim na svoje noge, sem zmagala. In to je njen namen, da me vspodbudi na tak čuden način da se postavim na svoje noge.

Velikokrat so starši na čuden način tisti, ki porinejo človeka, otroka naprej, stran od sebe na najrazličnejše načine. Nazaj k sebi. In čeprav se zdi neverjetno, se potem ta odnos sčasoma nekako poravna, popravi, ni več napetosti. A le, ko se ta otrok postavi ob rob svojemu staršu, postavi mejo in gre v svoje življenje. In ko je otrok,  ponavadi že odrasla oseba, sposoben postaviti mejo staršem in vidi, da se odnosi niso poslabšali dojame, da to lahko stori vsakemu. Ker šele potem te ljudje v resnici začnejo ceniti in spoštovati, ko vidijo, da spoštuješ tudi ti sam sebe. Ali pa grejo stran od tebe, ker jim več ne ustrezaš in ne odgovarjaš njihovi vlogi, ki so si jo zamislili zate.                                                                                                                       

 

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