Strah pred spremembo

Objavil/a alenka keber, dne 2015-12-31 ob 20:51:21

Ljudje živimo neko življenje. Svoje življenje. Iz svoje izkušnje lahko povem, da sploh nisem vedela da živim, nisem se zavedala sebe in trenutkov. Živela sem v megli. Ko pogledam nazaj, je bilo vse moje življenje en velik strah. Ko sem bila majhna ustrahovanja in zlorabe. Ko sem bila večja strah pred bitjem, ki me je preganjalo v sanjah. Ko sem odrasla še dodaten strah ali sem dovolj dobra mati in žena. Kamor sem se obrnila, polno strahov. In kaj vse sem delala, da ne bi bilo kakšnih sprememb. Trpela, ko sem vedela, da me partner vara, pa nisem povedala da vem. Pa nisem povedala, da mi je težko, da me boli. Ko sem sama sebe prepričevala, da če ga imam rada, moram to sprejeti..... Šlo pa je za strah pred zapuščenostjo. Pred biti sama. Pred tem ali zmorem živeti sama. Tako mojstrsko so me izučili in izmojstrili, da me vsi potrebujejo. Da sem bila poosebljena Mati Tereza, da sem se razdajala na vse mogoče načine, le da nisem začutila sama sebe. In ko je imelo telo dovolj in me je želelo prebuditi sem se za trenutek ustavila. Pogledala, začela raziskovati, a nič konkretnejšega ukrenila. Sprememba bi prinesla novo, drugačno življneje. Neznano. Pa ga znam živeti? Pa ga želim? Če ne vem kaj me čaka?
Tako sem vsaj vedela kako bo potekal prekleto dolgočasen in utrujajoč dan. In kdaj se bo končal, v kakšnih okoliščinah in od koga so odvisne te okoliščine. Od mene osebno zagotovo ne. In ko ni bilo dovolj telo, mi je še duša začela kazati da ima dovolj. Depresija. Situacije s hčerko. In še vedno ni bilo dovolj. Do nekega jutra, ko sem se zbudila in rekla, ne gre več. Ni bilo pomembno kako bo šlo naprej in kaj bo, le da ne gre več sem vedela. In naredila spremembo. Nisem se zavedala, da v tistem trenutku nisem dovolj močna, da bi situacijo speljala do konca. Potrebovala sem oporo. In ta opora me je vlekla dol na drugi strani. Kolikor sem se nečesa osvobodila, sem se zaradi strahu pred tem osvobojenim zataknila drugje. In to je bilo težko in naporno. Tako naporno, da bi bilo lažje umreti, kot se spet premakniti, bilo je veliko strahu in ustrahovanj. In spet se je zgodilo jutro, ko sem se odločila, da tako ne gre več. Tukaj ni bilo tako ostrega reza, tukaj sem se učila in mojstrila v odločanju in držanju obljube sama sebi. Mojstrila sem se v prehajanju čez strah in ustrahovanje. In šla čez. Potem, šele potem, sem počasi zadihala. Pa še ne s polnimi pljuči, kajti še vedno sem bila potrebna drugim ljudem. Ker če ne bi bila, me ne bi imeli več radi, bi me zapustili. Razdajanje je bilo še vedno, le da brez zunanjega ustrahovanja, strahovi so bili v meni. Vedela sem da sem sama odgovorna za svoje življenje in da, kot si bom postlala tako bom spala.
Ampak oblak je ostal. Še vedno je bila megla. Megla otroštva. To meglo sem raziskovala, hm, od nekaj čez dvajset je bilo. Začelo se je z branjem knjig, vizualizacijami, individualni obiski, intiutivna masaža. Megla je ostajala, malce se je redčila. Sledilo je študiranje knjig o zlorabah v otroštvu, z zapiski in raziskovanji občutkov ob prebranem. Obisk šamanskih, angelskih in drugih delavnic.Pa regresije, v prejšnja in v to življenje, nehipnotični dve in ena hipnotična. Zadnje nisem razumela in sem si izjavo terapevtke napačno razložila. Zdaj razumem. Bilo je pretežko. Bilo je prehudo. Nisem bila pripravljena na srhljivo grozljivko, ki je bila potlačena globoko, globoko. Nato nekaj blagih informacij, sprejemljivih tisti trenutek. Potem še nekaj bolj konkretnih, nato pa se je vsul plaz. Plaz resnice. Vračali so se spomini, občutki, ja, vrnili so se. O, je bilo težko, hudo, sprožil se je val vsega kar obstaja v meni. In je trajal, trajal, se kotalil in vrtel. Komu zaupati. Komu povedati? Kdo bi mi sploh verjel? Pa se je obračalo in obrnilo. Potreben je bil čas in ukvarjanje same s sabo. Vendar brez pomoči čudovite, izjemne in edinstvene osebe, Milene Matko še zdaj ne bi zaključila te more, ki me je spremljala. Megla se je končno razblinila. In zdaj se učim biti jaz v jasnih trenutkih vsakega dneva.

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