(I am questioning my higher self to calm myself)

Why did my first boyfriend die? To motivate you and to get answers what is death, what happens after death and to see in that human beings are in a deep hypnosis about death.

Why I went through so many abusive relationships? Collective karma. To see how people are living and how to prevent to enter in the abusive relationship. Your last three relationships where not meant to be relationship at all. You manifested them to get children and to be rescued from the town Vienna. You didn't know then. You know it know. You never know it when it was happening, because you were so immersed in pain. You always have to look at what is happening in your life from the distance. Please, don't die always, when something like that is happening. Life is going on. It can not be stopped at all. Something happened to you... like somebody dies... or somebody abuses you... and guess what, tomorrow is a new day! If somebody died, he/she can be resurrected. If you are dead, you will come back - but why in the world would you die at all? Yes, sometimes can be hard hard hard. Don't forget to love yourself. Just love yourself more. You neglected yourself so long...

Stop enjoying being unhappy. I know that you are lovesick for a while. Just create in your mind what you want, what you want from your specific person and he will come. I know this one came too early, you were not ready for it and coud not believe that you are so powerfull and can manifest whatever you want. Just chill, relax! You will not die, he will not die. If it is meant for you to be together, you will be. If not, tomorrow is a new day. It always is and will be. If you feel lovesick, heal yourself with writing, that's why you came here.