I would like to tell you something about myself; about me and my relationships…my feelings, and what I’ve just found out about myself. I’ve found out, that I have always suppressed my feelings! For some reason I’d learned that is not ok to show your feelings! This is so wrong! It’s ok to be mad. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be happy so much that you can explode.

My mother was in a sad mood throughout my childhood and I somehow learned that is not ok not to be to happy. But it’s OK! 
My mother and father always quarrel during my childhood. So, when I started to search for a partner, after a awile I began to fight with him, although there was no reason for that.

I am now four years single, but I had five long relationships after me, and all of them were disastrous. One after another. I didn’t tell you, that one of my “boyfriends” died when I was sixteen.

So… after my first boyfriend died, one of mine crushes from elementary school died, and I began to feel as if… as if everyone that I care for will die!

Then, when I was seventeen, I had a huge crush on one boy. This was my real first love; my first big love. But this was so horrible because I was so crazy in love with him (also, I was ashamed of my feelings) and of course I was thinking that he would die too.

He didn’t die, but we behaved so stupidly. I behave exactly how I “learned” from my mother and father. I was critising him. Just because… I was just critisizing him and expecting that he would leave me.

Of course he did.

I needed two years before I could stop thinking about him. Yet it was so strange. I didn’t see him afterwards until almost 25 years later. I was living in Vienna. In the meantime I had five boyfriends… and when my son started school, he had inscribed into the same class as his daughter!!! I was out of my mind because of this coincidence.

(need to be edited)