He was so sweet. Let’s call him Mark. When we were “talking” he seemed to me tender as a woman and I was more like a man in our “relationship”. I “met” him two months after I opened my twitter account.  He was my third or fourth twitter crush.

First thing that I saw on twitter was: I was blown away how people worldwide are unhappy and lonely.  Second thing was – how easy is to fall in love into somebody on internet just after you read some words he wrote and he maybe DM-ed you and ask you how are you.

So… Mark DM-ed me, he send me direct message where you can talk away from the whole world. There we kissed in separate room. We gave each other e-mails and we started to chat. Hours and hours of typing. This is called "communication" nowadays. Looking for a mate. Looking for a Mr./Mrs. Right.

We were chatting every day into the evening, when he came back from work. Unless we quarreled. Sometimes we didn’t type for a day, but then we were again on-line. We just seemed to be inseparable. We just seemed to be addicted on each other. We couldn’t stand being separate.

We told each other everything. We had astounding similar stories, how he grew up in US and I in Yugoslavia.  When I was sixteen, my boyfriend died. When he was twenty his girlfriend died. One day after my boyfriend!

Our previous lifs were shockingly similar.

We both had problems with our mother.

We both had problems with opposite sex because of things which happened before. Our friends who we liked very much suddenly died when we were very young.  So… we didn’t know how to overcome our loss. I had abusive relationship – one after another, he was having heavy sex and lots of girlfriends, but then he just stopped dating girls. I also stopped dating men.

We called each other “love”, “beloved”, we were making plans that he will come and see me. We were talking about him coming to Slovenia, coming to live with me.

We started to talk in July. In August it was vacation and my kids were not here, they went to see their father. So… I actually wanted to visit him, he is living 1200 km north from me. I could have easily visited him for a week. But he never got they idea, although I told him many times, that I am alone and I could go somewhere. And I didn’t want to tell him that and push myself.

Afterwards came his vacation. Although he was telling me, that he would visit me and we were already searching for a place for our vacation, he suddenly stopped talking about it. I also was actually afraid of it and I told him not to come, but in fact I was thinking: “Yes, come, please come!”

I had already packed my bags. Some days before his vacation I was sooooooooo exited… But he didn’t mention that he is intending to see me at all.

So… I understood he would never do that.

After that I just lost hope, that we would ever meet and that he is thinking seriously about me. We often quarreled and in september we didn’t talk for six days. Also I have to mention, that he didn’t give me his phone number nor the  address. So, I never even heared his voice. I saw his old pictures… And that was it.

In september we were not on the chat anymore because my whole internet broke down.  Also twitter was down for two weeks.

We could just send mails to each other.

Then he suddenly disapeared. First I missed him a lot. He used to greet me every morning. Then I just forgot about him. There were so many things going around me, so many people…  It was like that for some days. Then I started to be panic because, he really disappeared. Of course I didn’t have his phone number nor the address. I just wanted to know, that he was OK.

I was searching for him on internet. There was nothing about him, just a few old photos he had and two accounts on twitter, which were “staying still”.

After seeing that there is nothing about him on the internet, I just gave up and hoped that he is somehow OK. He had told me, that he believe in God, so I was sure, he was OK.

For few days I again forgot him and then one day he sent me a mail, that he was on vacation and that he flew over my head with the plane.

I was just mad at him. And I asked him not to communicate with me anymore.

So, finally I knew he was safe. And I knew that I could just never expect anything from him. Not even telling me, that he is going away… So the best would be just forget about him.

I didn’t bother with him, I had lots of contacts with others. Chat is still not working and this is good, cause I can delve in love every day with a new person. Not really, but you know what I mean…

On the other hand… I just had an idea, that I will never get a “real” men and this really sadened me. I mean… I want a physical relationship, at least a promise of it. I had five men in my life and I was more than four years single. I never had any problem to “get” a man, but as I analized my life, I found out, that these were abusive relationships.

How can I “be” with somebody who doesn’t want to come to see me although he could easily do that? And he is calling me “dear”… “love”… And I am waiting every day, that he will “appear” on internet, having a “relationship” with him for three months not even hearing his voice…

Today, after two weeks of non communication I just got his note on mail that he published his photos. There were no words, just pictures. I was just devastated. I started to cry and I exploded in sadness.

I found out, that I am in love with this person. The whole typing and this story with him, waiting that he will come to see me and then not… just stood in front of me.

Afterwards he contacted me and I asked him not to contact me, because his appearance produces a tremendous pain in me.

If I am “with him”, then I don’t have any chances. He is not going to be with me, he just wants to talk to me. But I am actually looking for a man, who will be with me, not just in computer, who I sometimes really hate.

(2012)