125. dan: Ljubosumje

Objavil/a Klavdija Hiti, dne 2015-08-15 ob 21:16:53

Ko si v glavi zamisliš, da bo neka oseba ti posvečala toliko pozornosti, kot si sam želiš, da bi ti morala posvečati, takrat pride do egoističnega momenta. Želiš si od nekoga več, kot ti nekdo lahko da. Poleg tega pa se lahko zgodi, da ta oseba živi resnično svoje življenje, ter se ne ozira nate, ter si najde neko drugo osebo, do katere goji čusta, se privlačita. Ker misliš, da si izgubil nekoga, ki bi ti lahko, ali pa ti je dajal tisto, kar si želiš, ter si misliš, da ne moreš dati sam sebi, pride do ljubosumja. Tudi ljubosumje je čustvo in sicer ti si želiš, da bi ti neka oseba dajalo tisto, kar daje tretji osebi. Torej je razlika med realnostjo in našimi predstavami.

To se sedaj dogaja tudi meni. Ljubosumna sem na osebo A, katera mi je pred časom posvečala pozornost, me na nek način tudi izkoristila, ker sem to pač ji pustila, sedaj pa se oseba trudi z neko drugo osebo, ki se naj bi bolj ujeli. V tem primeru je najbolje, da se umaknem, ter jima pustim prosto pot, jaz pa se posvetim osebi C, katero sem spoznala pred kratkim in jo po mojih opažanjih zanimam.

Odpustim si, da sem sprejela in si dovolila biti ljubosumna na osebo A, namesto da bi se posvečala osebi C, ter uživala trenutke s to osebo. Ko se zavem, da sem ljubosumna na osebo A, namesto da bi se posvečala osebi C, ter uživala trenutke s to osebo, se ustavim in diham. Zavedam se, da če bom ljubosumna na ljudi okoli sebe, da ne bo to prineslo nič dobrega, ne zame, ne za ljudi okoli mene, zato je bolje, da dajem pozornost ljudem, ki si zaslužijo mojo pozornost, ter seveda sebi, saj sem oseba, ki vedno ostane ob meni in nikoli ne odide nikamor. Zavezujem se, da dajem pozornost pomembnim stvarem in se ne sekiram zaradi nepomembnih stvari, ter nisem ljubosumna na ljudi, ki jih ne morem imeti.

Odpustim si, da sem sprejela in si dovolila upati, da mi bo oseba A kadarkoli resnično posvečala pozornost, ter me ne samo izkoristila na tak način, saj ko sem iskala pozornost, je to ta oseba izkoristila za svoj dobrobit, kar sem jaz dopustila, ter nazadnje bila samo jaz na slabšem.

Odpustim si, da sem sprejela in si dovolila zaupati osebi, ki me je nato izkoristila za svoj dobrobit, čeprav sem za vse kriva sama, ker nisem dovolj hitro ugotovila kaj si želi ta oseba od mene in glede na to, da sem bila takrat še zelo čustveno nestabilna, kar sem še vedno, vendar manj kot takrat, ter sem upala, da bom ob tej osebi lažje hitreje napredovala, če se bom družila in pogovarjala z dotično osebo.

Odpustim si, da sem sprejela in si dovolila podzavestno kriviti osebo A, da me je izkoristila, čeprav sem bila sama kriva za vse, kar se mi je zgodilo, ker sem delovala na takšen način in kaj drugega sploh ni bilo pričakovati, saj sem kazala vso svojo ranljivost in preveč reagirala na vsako malenkost, ki se mi je zdela pomembna, čeprav v resnici sploh ni bila pomembna, kar se jaz takrat še nisem zavedala.

Odpustim si, da sem sprejela in si dovolila kriviti osebo A za moje napake, ker sem mislila, da mi lahko pomaga in svetuje, čeprav sem sčasoma ugotovila, da sem sama sebi najboljši prijatelj, svetovalec, partner in vse kar si želim in pričakujem od drugih. Prav tako sem lahko sama sebi najhujši sovražnik, to pa takrat, ko se otepam dela na sebi, ter sodelujem v čustvenih reakcijah.

Odpustim si, da sem sprejela in si dovolila biti ljubosumna na osebo A, ker posveča pozornost drugi osebi, ji pošilja fotografije, lajka objave na FB, veliko objav komentira in vse to na drugačen način, kot je to še ne dolgo nazaj oseba A komunicirala z mano, na mojem zidu, ko je samo lajkala objave, kot podporo pri procesu, ter včasih napisala kak komentar v podporo. Nazadnje sem sama povedala osebi A, da naj tega ne počne več, ker se mi ne zdi potrebno, ker tako ali tako vem, da me podpira, čeprav ne vem več, ali me še, ter niti ali me je v resnici od začetka podpirala, kar pa sploh ni pomembno, saj je to preteklost in preteklost naj ostane v preteklosti, jaz pa grem po svoji poti, tako kot je potrebno naprej.

Odpustim si, da sem sprejela in si dovolila biti ljubosumna na neko osebo, ki mi ne more dati ničesar, kar si ne morem dati sama, saj me nihče ne more poznati bolj, kot se poznam sama, čeprav se mi včasih zazdi, da vsi okoli mene bolje vedo o meni kot sama, da me vsak lahko brez problema prebere in najde moje šibke točke, ki jih uporabi proti meni, vendar ko sem popolnoma čustveno stabilna, me nihče ne more spraviti v slabo voljo, ali karkoli izkoristiti proti meni, čeprav je pot do čustvene stabilnosti pri meni še dolga, vem da bom uspela in takrat ne bom ljubosumna na nikogar, ker ne bo potrebe po tem.

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